What Are Whoopi Goldberg’s Pet Peeves?
“I don’t have pet peeves like some people. I have whole kennels of irritation.” —Whoopi Goldberg
Related Topics: irritataion, kennels, pet peeves Category Archives: Humor
The Biggest Problem with Telling a Story
“The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.” —Sid...
Related Topics: dull, fellow, good story, reminds, story, telling, trouble 
Definition of a Burrito
“A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.” —Mitch Hedberg
Related Topics: burrito, ground beef, sleeping bag 
Beware of the Light at the End of the Tunnel
“There is a light at the end of the tunnel… Hopefully its not a freight train!” —Mariah Carey
Related Topics: end, hopefully freight train, light, train, tunnel 
The Best Length for a Nap
“I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.” —Yogi Berra
Related Topics: nap, napping 
One Reason Not to Speak to Your Mother-in-Law
“I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don’t like to interrupt her.” —Sir Kenneth Dodd
Related Topics: interrupt, months, mother-in-law, spoken 
Do You Have a Grand Memory for Forgetting?
“I’ve a grand memory for forgetting.” —Robert Louis Stevenson
Related Topics: forgetting, grand, memory 
The Comedy of Martin Shkreli
“My whole life has been one theme of self-sacrifice for my investors.” —Martin Shkreli
Related Topics: investors, life, self-sacrifice, theme 
What Victor Borge Saved During Daylight Saving Time
“I don’t mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I’ve saved...
Related Topics: daylight saving time, inflation 
Sex Without Love
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.
Related Topics: damn, damn good, experience, good, love, meaningless, sex 
The Second-best Policy
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Related Topics: apparently, best, dishonesty, elimination, honesty, important, policy, remember 
Needing People
People who didn’t need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn’t need...
Related Topics: kind, need, people 
I May Be Drunk…
I may be drunk, but in the morning I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly.
Related Topics: drunk, morning, sober, ugly 
Achieving Immortality
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.
Related Topics: achieve, dying, immortality, work 
Fearing Death
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Related Topics: afraid, die, happens 
Genius vs. Stupidity
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
Related Topics: difference, genius, stupidity 
Responsibility
Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, who’s responsible for this?
Related Topics: always, bad, happens, responsible, something, wants, whenever, who 
Prepositions
From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
Related Topics: ending, preposition, sentence, something 
Against Picketing
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
Related Topics: against, picketing, show 
Curing the Sane Man
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Related Topics: cure, man, sane, show 
Raise My Hand
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
Related Topics: believe, hand, raise, telekinetics 
Have Passion for Something
You’ll do better if you have passion for something in which you have aptitude. If Warren Buffett had gone into...
Related Topics: aptitude, ballet, better, heard, passion, something, Warren Buffett 
Making a Cart
I’d like to get four people who do cartwheels very good, and make a cart.
Related Topics: cart, cartwheels, four, make, people 
Why Is Cloud Nine So Amazing?
Why is Cloud Nine so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud Eight?
Related Topics: cloud, cloud nine, nine 
Fried Beans vs. Refried Beans
I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just...
Related Topics: beans, fried, good, refried, refried beans, time, wasting time 
New Type of Vending Machine
I want to get a vending machine with fun-sized candy bars — and the glass in front is a magnifying...
Related Topics: angry, candy bars, front, glass, mad, magnifying glass, too late, vending machine 
What’s in a Name?
My name is Arsenio. That’s a very unique name for a black man. In Greek, it means Leroy.
Related Topics: black man, Greek, Leroy, name, unique, unique name 
Writing with a Highlighter
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was...
Related Topics: friend, highlighting pen, letter, paper, piece 
Without Valentine’s Day
Without Valentine’s Day, February would be… well, January.
Related Topics: February, January, Valentine's Day, without 
Chicago + Montana
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we...
Related Topics: Big Sky State, Chicago, combine, experience, kite-flying, Montana, ultimate, Windy City 
Foosball Definition
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish-kebabs.
Related Topics: combination, foosball, shish-kebabs, soccer 
The King of the Pen
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I...
Related Topics: disillusion, king, pen, Robin Williams, standing 
I Don’t Have a Girlfriend
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
Related Topics: angry, girlfriend, mad, saying, woman 
Rising in Life
If you rise in life, you have to behave in a certain way. You can go to a strip club...
Related Topics: beer-swilling, behave, Bishop of Boston, certain, life, rise, sand shoveler, strip club, way 
Mr. Pibb vs. Dr. Pepper
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.
Related Topics: degree, Dr. Pepper, dude, imitation, Mr. Pibb, poor 
Blackjack Addiction
I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Related Topics: addicted, blackjack, cards, gambling, play, semi-circle, sitting 
Suitcase Security
I’ve always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.
Related Topics: handcuffed, suitcase, wrist 
Highlighting Your Hair
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
Related Topics: hair, highlighted, important, strands 
