What Are Whoopi Goldberg’s Pet Peeves?
“I don’t have pet peeves like some people. I have whole kennels of irritation.” —Whoopi Goldberg
Related Topics: irritataion, kennels, pet peeves Category Archives: Witty
The Biggest Problem with Telling a Story
“The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.” —Sid...
Related Topics: dull, fellow, good story, reminds, story, telling, trouble 
Definition of a Burrito
“A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.” —Mitch Hedberg
Related Topics: burrito, ground beef, sleeping bag 
The Best Length for a Nap
“I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.” —Yogi Berra
Related Topics: nap, napping 
One Reason Not to Speak to Your Mother-in-Law
“I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don’t like to interrupt her.” —Sir Kenneth Dodd
Related Topics: interrupt, months, mother-in-law, spoken 
Do You Have a Grand Memory for Forgetting?
“I’ve a grand memory for forgetting.” —Robert Louis Stevenson
Related Topics: forgetting, grand, memory 
What Victor Borge Saved During Daylight Saving Time
“I don’t mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I’ve saved...
Related Topics: daylight saving time, inflation 
I Used To Do Drugs
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
Related Topics: do drugs, drugs, used to 
The Second-best Policy
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Related Topics: apparently, best, dishonesty, elimination, honesty, important, policy, remember 
Who’s Running the Country?
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
Related Topics: class, country, discover, high school, morning, running, terror, wake up 
What Counts?
Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.
Related Topics: counted, counts, everything 
I May Be Drunk…
I may be drunk, but in the morning I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly.
Related Topics: drunk, morning, sober, ugly 
Achieving Immortality
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.
Related Topics: achieve, dying, immortality, work 
On Being Wrong
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
Related Topics: agree, people, wrong 
Mirror Is My Best Friend
Mirror is my best friend, because when I cry it never laughs.
Related Topics: best, best friend, cry, friend, laughs, Mirror, never 
Being Two-faced
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Related Topics: two-faced, wearing 
Needing People
People who didn’t need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn’t need...
Related Topics: kind, need, people 
Against Picketing
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
Related Topics: against, picketing, show 
Genius vs. Stupidity
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
Related Topics: difference, genius, stupidity 
Prepositions
From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
Related Topics: ending, preposition, sentence, something 
Heaven vs. Hell
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Related Topics: climate, company, heaven, hell 
Fear of Perfection
Have no fear of perfection — you’ll never reach it.
Related Topics: fear, never, perfection, reach 
Responsibility
Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, who’s responsible for this?
Related Topics: always, bad, happens, responsible, something, wants, whenever, who 
Why You Should Forgive Your Enemies (lol)
“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. —Oscar Wilde
Related Topics: always, annoys, enemies, forgive 
Citing Scripture
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
Related Topics: cite, devil, purpose, Scripture 
Useless Efficiency
There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all.
Related Topics: efficiently, nothing, useless 
Solving Problems Before They Start
An intellectual solves a problem. A genius avoids it.
Related Topics: avoids, genius, intellectual, problem, solves 
Curing the Sane Man
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Related Topics: cure, man, sane, show 
Fearing Death
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Related Topics: afraid, die, happens 
Raise My Hand
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
Related Topics: believe, hand, raise, telekinetics 
The Color Purple
I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don’t notice...
Related Topics: angers, color, field, God, notice, pisses off, purple, walk 
Have Passion for Something
You’ll do better if you have passion for something in which you have aptitude. If Warren Buffett had gone into...
Related Topics: aptitude, ballet, better, heard, passion, something, Warren Buffett 
Making a Cart
I’d like to get four people who do cartwheels very good, and make a cart.
Related Topics: cart, cartwheels, four, make, people 
Why Is Cloud Nine So Amazing?
Why is Cloud Nine so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud Eight?
Related Topics: cloud, cloud nine, nine 
