What Are Whoopi Goldberg’s Pet Peeves?
“I don’t have pet peeves like some people. I have whole kennels of irritation.” —Whoopi Goldberg
Related Topics: irritataion, kennels, pet peeves Category Archives: Funny
Definition of a Burrito
“A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.” —Mitch Hedberg
Related Topics: burrito, ground beef, sleeping bag 
The Best Length for a Nap
“I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.” —Yogi Berra
Related Topics: nap, napping 
One Reason Not to Speak to Your Mother-in-Law
“I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don’t like to interrupt her.” —Sir Kenneth Dodd
Related Topics: interrupt, months, mother-in-law, spoken 
Sex Without Love
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.
Related Topics: damn, damn good, experience, good, love, meaningless, sex 
The Second-best Policy
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Related Topics: apparently, best, dishonesty, elimination, honesty, important, policy, remember 
Needing People
People who didn’t need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn’t need...
Related Topics: kind, need, people 
I May Be Drunk…
I may be drunk, but in the morning I’ll be sober and you’ll still be ugly.
Related Topics: drunk, morning, sober, ugly 
Achieving Immortality
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.
Related Topics: achieve, dying, immortality, work 
Raise My Hand
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
Related Topics: believe, hand, raise, telekinetics 
Fearing Death
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Related Topics: afraid, die, happens 
Genius vs. Stupidity
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
Related Topics: difference, genius, stupidity 
Responsibility
Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, who’s responsible for this?
Related Topics: always, bad, happens, responsible, something, wants, whenever, who 
Against Picketing
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
Related Topics: against, picketing, show 
Curing the Sane Man
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Related Topics: cure, man, sane, show 
Have Passion for Something
You’ll do better if you have passion for something in which you have aptitude. If Warren Buffett had gone into...
Related Topics: aptitude, ballet, better, heard, passion, something, Warren Buffett 
Making a Cart
I’d like to get four people who do cartwheels very good, and make a cart.
Related Topics: cart, cartwheels, four, make, people 
Why Is Cloud Nine So Amazing?
Why is Cloud Nine so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud Eight?
Related Topics: cloud, cloud nine, nine 
Fried Beans vs. Refried Beans
I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just...
Related Topics: beans, fried, good, refried, refried beans, time, wasting time 
New Type of Vending Machine
I want to get a vending machine with fun-sized candy bars — and the glass in front is a magnifying...
Related Topics: angry, candy bars, front, glass, mad, magnifying glass, too late, vending machine 
What’s in a Name?
My name is Arsenio. That’s a very unique name for a black man. In Greek, it means Leroy.
Related Topics: black man, Greek, Leroy, name, unique, unique name 
Writing with a Highlighter
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was...
Related Topics: friend, highlighting pen, letter, paper, piece 
Without Valentine’s Day
Without Valentine’s Day, February would be… well, January.
Related Topics: February, January, Valentine's Day, without 
Chicago + Montana
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we...
Related Topics: Big Sky State, Chicago, combine, experience, kite-flying, Montana, ultimate, Windy City 
Foosball Definition
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish-kebabs.
Related Topics: combination, foosball, shish-kebabs, soccer 
The King of the Pen
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I...
Related Topics: disillusion, king, pen, Robin Williams, standing 
I Don’t Have a Girlfriend
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
Related Topics: angry, girlfriend, mad, saying, woman 
Mr. Pibb vs. Dr. Pepper
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.
Related Topics: degree, Dr. Pepper, dude, imitation, Mr. Pibb, poor 
Blackjack Addiction
I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Related Topics: addicted, blackjack, cards, gambling, play, semi-circle, sitting 
Suitcase Security
I’ve always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.
Related Topics: handcuffed, suitcase, wrist 
Highlighting Your Hair
I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
Related Topics: hair, highlighted, important, strands 
Tap Dancing Morse Code
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Related Topics: crazy, imagine, Morse code, tap dancer, understand 
Effective Whistling
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Related Topics: especially, fingers, whistle 
An Insult to Sewage
To say accounting for derivatives in America is a sewer is an insult to sewage.
Related Topics: accounting, America, derivatives, insult, sewage, sewer 
How Would Apple Taste?
Nobody has tried to swallow us since I’ve been here. I think they are afraid how we would taste.
Related Topics: afraid, nobody, swallow, taste 
When Someone Hands You a Flyer
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.
Related Topics: flyer, hands, throw away 
To Share or Not to Share
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
Related Topics: four, Kit-Kat, more, people 
