Category Archives: Funny
Assistant Cult Leader
I call myself the assistant cult leader.
Related Topics: assistant, call, cult, cult leader, leader 
New Sleepwear
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of...
Related Topics: asleep, blankets, clothes, fall, fall asleep, night, sometimes 
An Ant Farm
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow shit.
Related Topics: ant, ant farm, farm, grow 
Typing Speed Test
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
Related Topics: fingers, missing, nine, slower, type, typewriter 
Three Learning Styles
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest...
Related Topics: electric fence, learning, learning styles, observation, reading 
Reporting the Facts
I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Related Topics: facts, government, jokes 
Read Graphs Correctly
If I am reading this graph correctly—I’d be very surprised.
Related Topics: correctly, graphs, reading, surprised 
A Perfectly Wonderful Evening
I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
Related Topics: enjoyment, evening 
Don’t Miss Your Sleep
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Related Topics: days, long, sleep, sleep-deprevation, ten 
Decide Where You Belong
I don’t belong to an organized political party. I’m a Democrat.
Related Topics: belong, belonging, Democrat, organized, political party 
What’s on Your Other Hand?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Related Topics: fingers, hands, on the other hand, other hand 
Be a Better Public Speaker
If I could just say a few words… I’d be a better public speaker.
Related Topics: few words, public speaker, speaking, words 
Boating Enthusiasts
If you boat a lot, you’re known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don’t want...
Related Topics: boat, boating, boating enthusiast, enthusiast 
Belt vs. Belt Loops
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?
Related Topics: belt, belt loops, clothes, holds, loops, pants 
Can an Escalator Break?
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order...
Related Topics: break, broken, escalator, never, out of order, out-of-order sign, sign, stairs 
Pre-approved Jokes
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Related Topics: funny, jokes, pre-approved What Charlie Likes
I always like it when someone attractive to me agrees with me.
Related Topics: agrees, agrees with me, always, attractive, like, someone 
Human Pyramids
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
Related Topics: exist, human, once, pyramid, unnecessary 
Bigfoot Is Blurry
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. There’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
Related Topics: Bigfoot, blurry, countryside, monster, out-of-focus, problem, roaming 
Why You Should Like Rice
I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.
Related Topics: hungry, rice 
When to Start Little League
I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.
Related Topics: baseball, better, little league 
Wearing a Turtleneck
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck...
Related Topics: backpack, down, guy, midget, strangled, turtleneck, weak, wearing 
How to Keep Your Pen
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Related Topics: caring, lose, pen, seven 
Unique Candle Holder
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
Related Topics: cake, candle, holder, store 
Dogs and Push Ups
Dogs are forever in the push-up position.
Related Topics: dogs, forever, position, push up 
Where I’m Going to Die
All I want to know is where I’m going to die so I’ll never go there.
Related Topics: die, go, never 
Alcoholism Is a Disease
Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you...
Related Topics: alcoholism, disease, Lupus, yelled at 
Taking Care of Fake Plants
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Related Topics: fake, plants, pretend, water 
Tightrope Walking
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell,...
Related Topics: completely, fell, friend, sidewalk, tightrope walker, unacceptable 
Float Your Boat
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
Related Topics: boats, immaturity, wife 
Knowledge About Cars
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way...
Related Topics: cars, direction, headlights 
Underwater Camera Use
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute...
Related Topics: camera, car, crash, minute, opportunity, photo, photo opportunity, river, underwater 
On Shaving
Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, “I’m gonna...
Related Topics: assume, planet, shave 
Insensitive to Trees
I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That’s like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.
Related Topics: insensitivity, killing, tree, treehouse 
Mac n’ Cheese for Adults
“Fettucini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.” —Mitch Hedberg
Related Topics: adults, cheese, Fettucini Alfredo, macaroni 
