Pleasing People
You can’t please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.
Related Topics: last night, please people, show, time Category Archives: Funny
What’s This Dog Thinking?
I like dogs that bark a little. The silent ones scare me.
Related Topics: bark, barking dogs, dogs, fear, scared, silent 
Mitch Hedberg on Playing Golf
I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more...
Related Topics: golf, guy, hit, hole-in-one, more, more satisfying, satisfying 
Palm Reading
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too.
Related Topics: palm, palm reading, read 
When I’m Upside Down
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
Related Topics: necklace, upside down 
Laughing During Sex
My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Related Topics: always, during, girlfriend, laughs, matter, reading, sex 
Is Skydiving for You?
If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
Related Topics: karma, skydiving, succeed 
Time Flies Like an Arrow
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Related Topics: arrow, banana, flies, fruit, fruit flies, time 
Being a Hot-tar Roofer
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.
Related Topics: hot tar, hot-tar roofer, remember, roofer 
Eating Spaghetti vs. Noodles
Spaghetti… I can’t eat spaghetti, there’s too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is...
Related Topics: noodles, pieces, spagnetti 
Pickles vs. Cucumbers
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil — and the devil was...
Related Topics: cucumbers, pickles, sold out 
Cinnamon Roll Incense
I like cinnamon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would...
Related Topics: cinnamon, cinnamon rolls, incense, pan, rolls, sell, wish 
Cheese Grater Definition
I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name: a sponge ruiner.
Related Topics: cheese, cheese grater, grater, ruin, sponge 
Swiss cheese is a rip-off
Swiss cheese is a rip-off! It’s the only cheese I can bite into and miss!
Related Topics: bite, cheese, miss, rip-off, Swiss cheese 
The Depressing Thing About Tennis
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a...
Related Topics: depressing, good, matter, no matter, tennis, thing, wall 
Dry Clean Only
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.
Related Topics: dirty, dry clean, only, shirt 
Children’s Books
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
Related Topics: book, child, children's book, kid, read 
Where Do You See Yourself in Five Years?
I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said “Where do you see yourself in...
Related Topics: anniversary, asking, company, fifth, five, insurance, interview, job, job interview, question 
Where Are the ‘During’ Photos?
Where are all the ‘during’ photos? I’ve never seen one.
Related Topics: during, photos 
