When to Start Little League
I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.
Related Topics: baseball, better, little league Category Archives: Witty
Wearing a Turtleneck
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck...
Related Topics: backpack, down, guy, midget, strangled, turtleneck, weak, wearing 
How to Keep Your Pen
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Related Topics: caring, lose, pen, seven 
Unique Candle Holder
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
Related Topics: cake, candle, holder, store 
Dogs and Push Ups
Dogs are forever in the push-up position.
Related Topics: dogs, forever, position, push up 
Where I’m Going to Die
All I want to know is where I’m going to die so I’ll never go there.
Related Topics: die, go, never 
Alcoholism Is a Disease
Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you...
Related Topics: alcoholism, disease, Lupus, yelled at 
Taking Care of Fake Plants
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Related Topics: fake, plants, pretend, water 
Tightrope Walking
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell,...
Related Topics: completely, fell, friend, sidewalk, tightrope walker, unacceptable 
Float Your Boat
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
Related Topics: boats, immaturity, wife 
Knowledge About Cars
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way...
Related Topics: cars, direction, headlights 
Underwater Camera Use
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute...
Related Topics: camera, car, crash, minute, opportunity, photo, photo opportunity, river, underwater 
On Shaving
Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, “I’m gonna...
Related Topics: assume, planet, shave 
Mac n’ Cheese for Adults
“Fettucini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.” —Mitch Hedberg
Related Topics: adults, cheese, Fettucini Alfredo, macaroni 
Pleasing People
You can’t please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.
Related Topics: last night, please people, show, time 
What’s This Dog Thinking?
I like dogs that bark a little. The silent ones scare me.
Related Topics: bark, barking dogs, dogs, fear, scared, silent 
Mitch Hedberg on Playing Golf
I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more...
Related Topics: golf, guy, hit, hole-in-one, more, more satisfying, satisfying 
Palm Reading
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too.
Related Topics: palm, palm reading, read 
When I’m Upside Down
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
Related Topics: necklace, upside down Laughing During Sex
My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Related Topics: always, during, girlfriend, laughs, matter, reading, sex 
Being a Hot-tar Roofer
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.
Related Topics: hot tar, hot-tar roofer, remember, roofer 
Eating Spaghetti vs. Noodles
Spaghetti… I can’t eat spaghetti, there’s too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is...
Related Topics: noodles, pieces, spagnetti 
Pickles vs. Cucumbers
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil — and the devil was...
Related Topics: cucumbers, pickles, sold out 
Cinnamon Roll Incense
I like cinnamon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would...
Related Topics: cinnamon, cinnamon rolls, incense, pan, rolls, sell, wish 
Cheese Grater Definition
I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name: a sponge ruiner.
Related Topics: cheese, cheese grater, grater, ruin, sponge 
Swiss cheese is a rip-off
Swiss cheese is a rip-off! It’s the only cheese I can bite into and miss!
Related Topics: bite, cheese, miss, rip-off, Swiss cheese 
The Depressing Thing About Tennis
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a...
Related Topics: depressing, good, matter, no matter, tennis, thing, wall 
Dry Clean Only
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.
Related Topics: dirty, dry clean, only, shirt 
Children’s Books
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
Related Topics: book, child, children's book, kid, read 
Where Do You See Yourself in Five Years?
I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said “Where do you see yourself in...
Related Topics: anniversary, asking, company, fifth, five, insurance, interview, job, job interview, question 
Where Are the ‘During’ Photos?
Where are all the ‘during’ photos? I’ve never seen one.
Related Topics: during, photos 
