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Mitch Hedberg on Playing Golf

I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more...

Related Topics: golf, guy, hit, hole-in-one, more, more satisfying, satisfying

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Closeup of a burrito with quote by Mitch Hedberg, "A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef."

Definition of a Burrito

“A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.” —Mitch Hedberg

Related Topics: burrito, ground beef, sleeping bag

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I Used To Do Drugs

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Related Topics: do drugs, drugs, used to

Drugs
Witty

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Against Picketing

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

Related Topics: against, picketing, show

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Mac n’ Cheese for Adults

“Fettucini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.” —Mitch Hedberg

Related Topics: adults, cheese, Fettucini Alfredo, macaroni

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Mitch Hedberg quote I'd like to get four people who do carwheels very good and make a cart

Making a Cart

I’d like to get four people who do cartwheels very good, and make a cart.

Related Topics: cart, cartwheels, four, make, people

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Mitch-Hedberg-quote-I-like-refried-beans.-Thats-why-I-wanna-try-fried-beans-because-maybe-theyre-just-as-good

Fried Beans vs. Refried Beans

I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just...

Related Topics: beans, fried, good, refried, refried beans, time, wasting time

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Mitch Hedberg quote I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall

New Type of Vending Machine

I want to get a vending machine with fun-sized candy bars — and the glass in front is a magnifying...

Related Topics: angry, candy bars, front, glass, mad, magnifying glass, too late, vending machine

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Mitch-Hedberg-quote-I-wrote-my-friend-a-letter-using-a-highlighting-pen.-But-he-could-not-read-it

Writing with a Highlighter

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was...

Related Topics: friend, highlighting pen, letter, paper, piece

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Chicago + Montana

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we...

Related Topics: Big Sky State, Chicago, combine, experience, kite-flying, Montana, ultimate, Windy City

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Foosball Definition

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish-kebabs.

Related Topics: combination, foosball, shish-kebabs, soccer

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Mitch Hedberg quote Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go I am sorry to disillusion you

The King of the Pen

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I...

Related Topics: disillusion, king, pen, Robin Williams, standing

I Don’t Have a Girlfriend

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

Related Topics: angry, girlfriend, mad, saying, woman

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Mitch Hedberg quote You know when they have a fishing show on TV They catch the fish and then let it go.

Fishing Shows on TV

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They...

Related Topics: catch, eat, fishing, know, late, show, something, tv

Mr. Pibb vs. Dr. Pepper

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.

Related Topics: degree, Dr. Pepper, dude, imitation, Mr. Pibb, poor

Blackjack Addiction

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Related Topics: addicted, blackjack, cards, gambling, play, semi-circle, sitting

Worry Free Gum

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that...

Related Topics: blowing, bubble, Carefree gum, flavor, gum, lost, mortality, pondering, stick

Mitch Hedberg quote Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move.

Staying Put

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over...

Related Topics: friend, helped, load, move, truck, week

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Suitcase Security

I’ve always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.

Related Topics: handcuffed, suitcase, wrist

Highlighting Your Hair

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.

Related Topics: hair, highlighted, important, strands

Tap Dancing Morse Code

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Related Topics: crazy, imagine, Morse code, tap dancer, understand

Enjoy the Show

I like to close my eyes on the stage, because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the...

Related Topics: audience, close, drawn, enjoying, eyelids, eyes, picture, show, stage

Effective Whistling

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

Related Topics: especially, fingers, whistle

Mitch Hedberg quote My friend said to me, You know what I like Mashed potatoes.

Knowing When to Pause

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give...

Related Topics: friend, guess, insert, mashed, mashed potatoes, pause, potatoes, quiz, time

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When Someone Hands You a Flyer

When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.

Related Topics: flyer, hands, throw away

To Share or Not to Share

I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.

Related Topics: four, Kit-Kat, more, people

Scheduling a Frozen Banana

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later,...

Related Topics: banana, friend, frozen, later, wanted

New Sleepwear

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of...

Related Topics: asleep, blankets, clothes, fall, fall asleep, night, sometimes

A Crate of Forks

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Related Topics: crate, forklift, forks, literal, warehouse

An Ant Farm

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow shit.

Related Topics: ant, ant farm, farm, grow

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Typing Speed Test

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.

Related Topics: fingers, missing, nine, slower, type, typewriter

Scriptwriting

I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to...

Related Topics: copy, guy, rewrite, script, thought

Don’t Miss Your Sleep

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Related Topics: days, long, sleep, sleep-deprevation, ten

Mitch Hedberg quote If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat

Boating Enthusiasts

If you boat a lot, you’re known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don’t want...

Related Topics: boat, boating, boating enthusiast, enthusiast

What Are Waffles?

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Related Topics: breakfast, pancake, syrup, trap, waffle

Belt vs. Belt Loops

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which ones the real hero?

Related Topics: belt, belt loops, clothes, holds, loops, pants

Can an Escalator Break?

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order...

Related Topics: break, broken, escalator, never, out of order, out-of-order sign, sign, stairs

Pre-approved Jokes

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Related Topics: funny, jokes, pre-approved

Human Pyramids

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

Related Topics: exist, human, once, pyramid, unnecessary

Bigfoot Is Blurry

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. There’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

Related Topics: Bigfoot, blurry, countryside, monster, out-of-focus, problem, roaming

Why You Should Like Rice

I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.

Related Topics: hungry, rice

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When to Start Little League

I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.

Related Topics: baseball, better, little league

Mitch Hedberg quote My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer.

My Sister Lives in a Trailer

My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer… so she...

Related Topics: actress, halfway, live, sister, trailer

Wearing a Turtleneck

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck...

Related Topics: backpack, down, guy, midget, strangled, turtleneck, weak, wearing

Mitch Hedberg quote My roommate says, “I'm going to take a shower and shave.

A Shower and a Shave

My roommate says, “I’m going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like...

Related Topics: answer, bathroom, first, quiz, reveals, shave, shower, weird

Mitch Hedberg quote I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring

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Mitch Hedberg quote I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going

Following Your Dreams

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them...

Related Topics: dreams, following, going, hook up, later, sick